Parody Old Stuff so You Don't Have to Deal with Copyright Infringement
by MissErinaceous
Summary: AKA "La Ingenioso Yorozuya Gin Quixote de la Tama." Long ago, in the Spanish region of La Tama, there was a Yorozuya who went insane and decided to become a shounen hero, despite being lazy, semi-employed, and nearly 30. This is a record of his famous, fabulous, and above all stupid adventures. Parody of Don Quixote by Miguel Cervantes
1. Pilot Episodes Always Suck

Chapter I

In which the author pretends the "Dedication to Part I" from _D*n Q**xote_ doesn't exist and skips it entirely because poetry is hard

In a village in La Tama, the name of which I don't care enough to look up (but was probably Edo or Kabukicho or something similarly Gintama-esque), there was a _Yorozuya_ , or odd-jobs worker, who was pretty much good for nothing and liked it that way. He kept a small estate (read: rental apartment), a wooden _bokuto_ on his belt, and a weird giant dog in his stables which I'm pretty sure ate the gross domestic product of a small country in one day. He spent the rest of his meager salary on 27 copies of the same outfit, 3 pairs of the same shin-length black boots, one strawberry milkshake per day, some rice, a trip to the bar every other day and some headache medication for the other days, and whatever remained after that was swallowed by the pachinko machine. He had a housekeeper, Ezurako, who may or may not have been a cross-dresser, and a gorilla-esque lady who forced herself into his house after she lost track of her brother named Otaenia. It is said that his family name was Sakada or Quixata, (for I'm too lazy to actually look up his name), but let's just say it's Johnny for the sake of convenience. And, for a time, Johnny of La Tama was very content, or at least too lazy to do anything about it.

Anyway, whenever the aforementioned gentleman was not on a job, which was pretty much always because he sucked at his job, he would spend time reading the _Weekly Shonen Jump_ , and would read with such excitement that sometimes he would even forego his usual bar run to buy a _N*ruto_ volume instead, and would almost always use his housekeeper's salary money to pay for the _Jump_ on Saturday. Basically, he was an insane bastard who knew all the _Jump_ series, even ones like _T*riko_ or _One-P*nch M*n_ which hardly anyone references, or like _K*rate In**chi_ or _M*eru! O*ii-san_ or _M*tal F*sh_ which hardly anyone remembers. No one was more frustrated at _H*nter X H*nter_ 's frequent hiatuses or more enthralled by _Dr*gon B*ll_ 's increasingly ridiculous Seiyan transformations. After reading this sort of manga day in and out, without sleeping and while consuming nothing but strawberry milkshakes and beer, and because he was kind of unstable to begin with, the poor _Yorozuya_ finally went mad. He spent sleepless nights worrying about whether the "Great Naruto Bridge" was really a good name for a bridge at all, since it made the bridge sound more like a ramen topping than a symbol of peace and triumph, but was too satisfied with N*ruto's triumph and H*ku and Z*buza's final scene to demand a name change, and even at one point took to ending his sentences with " _dattebayo_ " in recognition of the great hero.

He was completely insane, and, believing that all the manga in the _Jump_ were true stories, he set about leaving his home in La Tama to find an adventure that would personify the ideals of "Friendship, Effort, Victory." Basically, he planned, despite being over 20 years old and having no clear goals, special abilities, or interesting quirks, to become a _shounen_ protagonist. One day, after dusk, he began gathering his family's armor, his sturdy _bokuto_ , which he believed to be a legendary sword made of steel, leather, and dreams, and the papers on which he had written all his special moves, attacks, and abilities, like some D&D character, and went out to the stable where his giant dog-thing. He inspected the giant dog all over, and concluded that it was, indeed, a sufficiently weird thing for a _shounen_ protagonist to have, as all _shounen_ protagonists must be, at first glance, very weird, but also have some cool secret ability or hidden past that makes them better than everyone else.

After a good while of thinking and the use of a few online naming dictionaries and translators, the _Yorozuya_ decided on a name for his mighty dog.

"Oi, Pochi, let's go," the _Yorozuya_ drawled lazily, which earned him a chomp on the head. "What, Pochi's no good? Pain in the ass," the _Yorozuya_ continued from within the dog's mouth. "Look, I don't really care, and I think the readers are already clicking away from this story, so let's just go with something easy, alright?" The dog displayed its refusal to be named "Pochi" by swallowing the _Yorozuya_ up to his waist. "Alright, I got it, I got it! Since this is a parody anyway, let's just take half your name from Gintama and half from _D*n Q**xote_ , yeah? Ok, Sadinante?"

After being spit out by Sadinante, the _Yorozuya_ realized that everything would be a lot faster and less confusing for the readers if he just continued naming things in this manner, and so he took on the name "Gin Quixote de La Tama," even though it didn't sound nearly as cool as his original choice, "Akatsuki no Karoluxus Rodbertus the Dragonslayer," or "Rod" for short. He decided to stick to his original back story, though, in which he was the descendent of a long-forgotten line of dragon-slaying ninjas/samurai who turned out to be friendly aliens who have superstrength and speed when angered, but was really just a regular guy trying to make it by in high school (modern Japanese high school, mind you, not 16th century Spanish high school, which pretty much consisted of a single room, one noble child, and sadness). Satisfied with the setting that he had created for himself, Gin mounted his dog and began to ride into a life of adventure...

...when a spectacled _kunoichi_ popped out from a nearby hay bale.

"Aren't you forgetting something, Gin- _sama_?" she said in a voice that she must have intended to be sexy.

The alien dragon-slaying ninja/samurai high school student looked blankly at the purple-haired ninja, thinking over his actions for the past few minutes, before starting and exlclaiming, "Ah, of course!"

He quickly slide his forgotten cheat-sheet of secret moves into the sleeve of his white-and-blue _kimono_ , which was just under the layer of armor he now wore, and once again mounted Sadinante and began riding off. "Thanks, cosplay lady," he said, slowly waving his hand without looking back.

"Hold it right there!" the ninja woman yelled with sudden desperation, jumping onto Sadinante's back in front of Gin. Looking pleadingly into his eyes, she said, (with a weird amount of excitement) "Oh, how mean! Is this some sort of play, huh? Abandonment play, huh?"

"Whaddya want? I have a lot of Friendship, Effort, and Victory to create, so I don't have time for games."

"We~ll," the _kunoichi_ said, again failing in her imitation of a sexy woman, "I can't help but notice that you're setting off for your adventure without one crucial thing."

The ninja/samurai suddenly sat straight up, his eyes almost for a second looking like human eyes and not those of a dead fish. "Eh, really? I'm missing something? What is it?"

The _kunoichi_ grinned at his sudden excitement(?), realizing that she had managed to get his attention, and held a finger out in front of his face. He stared at her expectantly while she paused for dramatic effect, with her head turned away from him, quietly laughing with confidence in her answer. Suddenly, she snapped her head towards him and said, in a low voice and with fire in her eyes, "A love interest."

Gin looked at her with a mixture of boredom, disappointment, and disgust as he slid her off of Sadinante's back and resumed his slow departure.

"Wait, wait, wait, I was being serious!" the woman shouted as she ran to catch up to him. "There's no such thing as a good _shounen_ story without a love interest, and I'm willing to play that role! The Ch*-Ch* to your G*ku, the S*kura and H*nata to your N*ruto!"

"Shut up!" Gin yelled back. "What the hell is that, there's no good _shounen_ without a love interest? Apologize to _One P*ece_ , bastard! Have you even read _H*nter x H*nter_?!"

"Please!" she yelled, now gripping onto Sadinante's collar with the strength of a gorilla and being dragged along as he walked. "I'm not gonna let you leave until you make me your love interest!" Then, in a suddenly much deeper, more threatening voice, she pulled herself up to Gin's eye-level and said, "I'll never let you go."

Gin pushed her face away from his, screeching, "Someone get this crazy b*tch away from me! Who'd take you as a love interest, huh? All the readers would puke their guts up if someone like you was the love interest! Do you want to be the girl who's always last in the popularity polls, eh? Do you want to ruin my pure-hearted _shounen_ adventure that badly, eh? No _shounen_ story has a masochistic love interest! You'll pervert the readers' minds! No one wants that sort of youthful adventure! That sounds more like a youthful mistake that ends up with someone getting pregnant and your youth being drained away by the cold reality of parenthood!"

The _kunoichi_ paused in her struggles to innocently ask, "How did you know I'm a masochist?"

Gin only looked down at her in disgust before, with one final push, he detached her from Sadinante's collar.

"I'm telling you, you'll regret it if you don't make me your love interest!" the _kunoichi_ yelled at him from the spot she had fallen to the ground on.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Gin replied, with a wave of his hand. Without looking back, he asked, "What's your name?"

"Ayame Sarutobi!" she replied, in excitement. "But you can call me Sachan!"

"Damn, what a boring name. You sound like the Third H*kage," Gin said, glancing back and shaking his head. "No way someone named that can be a love interest." Then, with another wave of his hand, and once again facing forward, he said, "Goodbye, Molestinea."

As Sadinante, with Gin on board, slowly sauntered into the sunset (which should not have been occurring as it was already after dusk but who remembers what happened a couple paragraphs ago anyway?), Sachan watched her hero go, thinking over his words. "Molestinea..." she said, thinking aloud, "Is that, like, a pet name?" With hope and pride in her eyes, the newly-christened Molestinea waved to the disappearing silhouette, shouting, "Don't worry, Gin! I'm going to be the best love interest there ever was for any _shounen_ series!"

"Cosplayers, man..." Gin muttered under his breath. Then, a new thought occurred to him. "Ah, I wonder if Analdonza Ketsuno could be my love interest?"

And so, as the sun set for the second time that day, two delusional idiots set out on their respective adventures, both of which would result in the idiots, in one way or another, being carried into the history books or at least the morning paper, for better or for worse (but probably for worse).

* * *

Notes for those who haven't read _Don Quixote_ or don't understand the characters:

Ezurako - Katsura Kotarou (form of a maid, original housekeeper was not named)

Otaenia - Antonia (Don Quixote's niece) + Shimura Otae

Gin Quixote de la Tama - Don Quixote de la Mancha + Sakata Gintoki

Sadinante - Rocinante (Don Quixote's horse) + Sadaharu

Molestinea (The annoying one) - Dulcinea del Toboso (The sweet one of Toboso, Don Quixote's beloved) + Sarutobi Ayame (Sacchan)

Analdonza Ketsuno - Aldonza Lorenzo (Dulcinea's real name) + Ketsuno Ana

In _Don Quixote_ , Miguel Cervantes mocks and references books of chivalry, which were commonly-read in Spain at the time. I am instead referencing _shounen_ manga, which are manga like Naruto, One Piece, Bleach, or, yes, Gintama, which are made for teenage boys and often published in magazines such as Gin's favorite, _Weekly Shonen Jump_.


	2. A Parody within a Parody is Bad Writing

Chapter II

Which deals with Gin Quixote's first sally (unless you count that bitch Sally from middle school, but no one does)

As he left his hometown for the first time, Gin Quixote felt like he was truly a _shounen_ hero. He believed that he must have looked like Ash K*tchum, strolling out of town with the sun rising behind his back, fire in his eyes, and a pissy magic rat on his shoulder. He imagined that this image of him would have to _at least_ be a full page spread in the manga that would record his feats, if not the cover of the first volume. (Of course, a fully grown man wearing a dirty kimono under the world's shittiest suit of armor and riding a giant Shi tzu looks less like a temperamental teen and more like a mental patient, but, in case you forgot, Gin Quixote was batshit crazy.)

So, Gin rode with the sun beginning to rise behind his back, the dog under him seriously considering launching the hero and a spin-off series (Sadinante and His Ninja Pals?), and a purple-haired kunoichi following the duo some distance back. However, as he continued on his way, an awful thought occurred to Gin: not only did he not have a mentor, he had not yet established himself as a lovable troublemaker with a heart of gold. "How am I supposed to appeal to the readers if I haven't shown that I'm a kind-hearted troublemaker like them?" he asked himself. "No one wants to read about a kid with a 70-30 hair part who gets good grades and respects his elders. Where's my boyish charm, dammit?!"

At this realization, Gin Quixote nearly quit right then and there. After all, he was already pretty tired and a little hungover too. In all honesty, he hadn't thought being a _shounen_ protagonist would be so much work, since most of them just sleep, eat, and generally dick around until their first training montage. However, looking back, Kabukicho (or Edo or whichever) already looked pretty far away, and, come to think of it, considering that it was a miracle Sadinante hadn't eaten him yet, trying to make the beast turn around seemed like pushing his luck. Therefore, Gin decided he might as well keep going and go on some boyish escapades at the next stop.

Content with the thought that he didn't have to do anything at the moment (as not doing anything was what he was best at), the _yorozuya_ laid down on Sadinante's back and began to nap, dreaming of the author-slash-artist-slash-giant yellow-shirted gorilla who would one day illustrate his adventures and sell them for a meager salary to a weekly magazine.

* * *

The manga opens with a picture of Gin when he was just a little kid with no hair on his privates. He is wearing a red leotard and riding his moped along the edge of a river in the mountain he calls home. The caption says, "A long, long time ago, deep in the mountains of La Tama, dozens of feet from the city... This is where our tale begins, I guess~"

"Oi, why's my author gotta be so low-effort?" the adorable baby Gin grumbles, now squaring off against a log twice his size. ("Hey, wasn't I riding a moped a second ago? Author- _san_ , have you even heard of continuity?") With a couple well-placed chops and a compilation of weird martial-arts noises, he splits the log into small circles. He takes out a small bottle of gold paint and carefully paints each cylinder until its wooden texture is completely hidden. Then, with a growling stomach and a pocket full of counterfeit gold, Gin walks inside his house, bows to an altar which holds a memento of his grandfather, and begins to stroll towards town.

Meanwhile, a young Analdonza Ketsuno, or Ana for short, is shown searching the same mountain. She is sighing, scratching her head, and using appropriately abstract statements of frustration such as, "It's supposed to be around here!" and "Where is it?" while squinting at what appears to be a small, high-tech compass. There are two small blips near the center of the compass-thing, which is probably actually more of a radar-thing, if we're being technical. She climbs back into her car and begins to careen down the highway at dangerous speeds. At the same time, Gin comes out of a convenience store with a contented grin, only to find Ana barreling in his direction. She barely avoids him by swerving and braking, and comes to a stop next to him.

"You crazy bitch!" Gin yells in his cute, prepubescent voice. "What the hell do you think you're doing?! You nearly spilled my milkshake!"

At that moment, Ana climbs out of the car, and gracefully bows to Gintoki. "I apologize," she says graciously, "but I was simply looking for something and didn't realize anyone lived out this far."

"O-oh, yeah, I see," Gin stammers, blushing, upon seeing the young Ana, "you just didn't realize that people lived near the convenience store. Y-yeah, of course, my-"

Gin is interrupted by the shopkeeper, who, with a slam of the doors and a wave of his fist, yells, "Oi, you brats, this ain't gold, it's wood!"

Both Gin and Ana initially panic, but Gin, being the protagonist, quickly comes up with the solution. He climbs onto his moped, and, with a chivalric look, offers his hand to Ana. "Hurry, come with me!" he says. With a glance at the shopkeeper and then a nod, she climbs onto the moped behind him and the two motor into the distance, both forgetting that Ana hadn't done anything in the first place and that her car was still parked in front of the store.

Gin pulls up in front of his house, and Ana jumps off as he parks. "Thank you, you saved me!" she says, again, forgetting that _he_ was the counterfeiter.

"No problem," replies the young Gin, as he climbs off his moped with a boyish smile. However, that smile disappears when he looks down at his clothing, which is splattered with his forgotten strawberry milkshake. (Seriously, aren't they a little young for Alzheimer's?)

"Oh, dear, your clothes are ruined!" Ana exclaims, noticing the stain. After rooting around in the bag on her belt, she triumphantly pulls something out and hands it to him. "Here, use this," she says with a magnanimous smile.

"Thank you," he says with a blush and a grin. Smiling back, she turns and walks into his house, while he begins to clean himself up. Suddenly, he pauses and looks down at the thing in his hand. "Anyway," he mumbles to himself, "why is it a feminine pad?"

After he has finished disposing of the strawberry milkshake-soaked pad, Gin follows Ana into the house. She glances around the single room. "So, you live here alone?" she asks.

"Yeah, pretty much, ever since my grandfather died," Gin replies, calmly sticking his left pinky into his nostril. "Right, Gramps?

Ana looks at the memento on the altar and gasps. "This is..." she starts, before scrunching up her nose. "What is it?"

"A Justaway doll," Gin replies, before blowing a booger off his pinky.

"What... what _is_ a 'Justaway'?"

"A Justaway is a Justaway. Nothing more, nothing less."

"Oh..." says Ana. The room begins to lapse into an awkward silence until Ana's high-tech compass begins to beep rapidly. "Oh, goodness! It must be here!"

"Eh? What's here?" says young Gin, looking slightly less bored than usual.

Ana smiles widely as she begins to explain. "A while ago, I found these sacred objects in my attic. At first, I had no idea what they were, but after some research, I found out that they are magic items that, when you collect all seven from across the globe in one place, will summon a dragon that will grant any wish you have. Right now I have two of them, but the scanner I invented says there are two more in this house." Then, with a more serious face, Ana asks him, "Do you know anything in this house that could be some ancient, magical artifact?"

Gin's arms cross and his eyes go to the ceiling as he mulls it over. After a long pause, he looks at her, and slowly starts, "...Do you think it could be the Justa-"

"I am absolutely certain it is not the Justaway."

Gin crosses his hands behind his head and groans. "I can't figure it out if you don't give me anything to go on!"

"Alright. The two I found are golden balls with different numbers of stars on them: four and two. I think that the rest should be similar: golden, magic balls with numbers on them."

Gin nods with sudden comprehension, and says, "Well, you're in luck, 'cause I have two 'golden balls' right here between my legs if you-"

* * *

Gin Quixote awoke as Sadinante came to a sudden stop. "Was that really the punchline…?" Gin mumbled as he forced himself up into a sitting position. Then, leaning over Sadinante's head, he asked the dog, "What're you stopping for, furball? You need to take a piss, huh?" Sadinante barked happily in response "Then just piss, don't wake me up. This adventuring stuff's a pain in the ass."

"I think he stopped because of me," came a gruff voice in reply. Gin Quixote looked up to see an old woman with thick makeup and a cigarette held loosely in one hand standing in front of a run-down inn. However, to Gin's sugar- and manga-addled brain, the woman appeared to be a wise old sage, and the inn a mountaintop dojo.

"Oi, old man, are you this dojo's _sensei_?" Gin asked as his pinky finger sought out his nostril.

"Who the hell are you calling 'old man,' bastard?" the old woman replied in a calm voice. The innkeeper was more than used to dealing with rude, drunk, and less-than-sane patrons. Looking Gin up and down, taking in his rusty Spanish armor, the _kimono_ underneath, and the giant, panting cat (dog?) under him, she decided he was probably all three. "So, what do you want?"

"I would like to slack off of training at your dojo, _sensei_ ," replied Gin, "at least until I can get a reputation for charming hijinks and youthful rebellion."

The woman paused to ash her cigarette before once again looking the adventurer over. She sighed. "Can you pay?"

"I can pay in spirit or idealism," the _yorozuya_ replied in a tone that suggested that he had very little of either.

"You better pay in money," the innkeeper said as she turned to enter her bar. "Oi, Tama, make up a bed. We've got a guest." Suddenly, the innkeeper heard a large crash outside. She turned to see Gin Quixote, lying on his back with a bored expression still plastered on his face while his "mount" began to calmly stroll away. Gin tried for a moment to stand, but it was clear that a combination of his heavy armor and incurable laziness was keeping him stuck on his back like a sad, white-haired turtle. That still had a hangover, I might add. Sighing again, the innkeeper yelled again, "Tama, retrieve his dog instead. Cathertornes, come help the guest out of his armor."

Tama, the inn's green-haired maid, replied, "Yes, Otose-san," and, without hesitation, ran after Sadinante equipped only with a broom. Meanwhile, Cathertornes, a middle-aged cat-eared woman, began to remove Gin Quixote's armor (and simultaneously inspect his person for valuables). Gin ignored this entirely, and instead said to the innkeeper, "Oi, Otose-sensei, Sadinante's not just a dog." Then, with an extremely serious face that looked only slightly less intense upside-down, he finished, "He's my mascot."

Otose calmly blew a trail of smoke out, before replying, "Oh, is that so?"

This enraged Gin Quixote, who thrashed about in an attempt to roll onto his stomach, and succeeded quite handily in ruining Cathertornes's efforts to remove his armor. "You bastard," he yelled, "do you know how important a mascot is to a manga? As soon as my exploits become legend, there's gonna be Sadinante merchandise everywhere! You won't be able to walk into a middle school without seeing Sadinante keychains and lunchboxes! Don't underestimate the power of little boys and girls to make their parents spend money on useless shit! Don't underestimate the need of parents to buy their children's love with trinkets from a series they don't understand! Never underestimate Christmas, idiot!"

"Alright, alright, I got it," Otose replied, waving her cigarette dismissively. "Just get out of that armor and get inside already. You're driving away my sane, paying customers.

By this time, Tama had returned with Sadinante in tow and a small amount of urine on her shoes as well. After Gin stopped thrashing about, Cathertornes was able to remove his armor (and, after a glare from Otose, reluctantly not remove the pachinko money from his pocket). Finally, the great hero Gin Quixote was shown into the "dojo," which was really a run-down bar with a few patrons that looked like they'd been sea slugs in a past life. There were only a few respectable-looking patrons at the bar, including a Shinsengumi officer and a couple of Muleteers-not men that cared for mules, mind you, but Amantos that resembled mules. Ah-in case you were wondering about the whole "Amanto" thing, basically, they're creatures that came down on giant flying boats and shot a giant phallus at a castle in a Commodore Perry-esque attempt to open Earth to interstellar trade, and they're real jerks but no one really gives two shits about them so neither should you. They're what we call the "setting," and in shitty fanfiction parodies, the setting can largely be ignored.

Anyway, Gin Quixote sank down onto one of the bar stools, exhausted after a long day of doing slightly less nothing than usual. To him, the bar's patrons all appeared to be students of the martial arts at different stages in their training. The old drunkards were long-time students, the Muleteers new inductees, and the Shinsengumi officer a sage who had already achieved Anpanlightenment. The floors were shiny from the meticulous cleaning that the students gave it as part of their training. The stains were from the blood, sweat, and tears of the youthful and passionate men who had trained there in the past, and certainly not from the puke and piss of sloshed patrons. The stench was the smell of men who trained much and bathed little, not useless MADAOs whose wives no longer loved them enough to wash their clothes. And the alcoholic beverages behind the bar-actually, those were still alcoholic beverages, and Gin's hangover was wearing down enough that he figured he might as well start working on a new one.

" _Sensei_ ," Gin drawled, his head tilting to look at Otose since he was too lazy to turn his body, "give me some of your, uh, 'elixirs of power' or whatever."

"Oi, it sounds like you don't even believe your own ramblings," Otose replied. However, despite knowing that she was unlikely to get any money out of the _Yorozuya_ , Otose stepped behind the counter and began cleaning a glass for him. "What kind of an 'elixir' do you want?"

" _Junmai_ , please," Gin replied without hesitation.

" _Sake_? You realize we're supposed to be in Spain," Otose said as she filled his glass with low-quality beer.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Gin picked up his glass, which he imagined to be a ceramic _sake_ cup filled with the highest-grade mountain sage's brew. "I'm a ninja-samurai alien high school student, and you know that ninja-samurai alien teenagers only come from Japan." With this, Gin swallowed the contents of his glass in one swift motion, before adding, "Or at least all the good ones."

"Don't trust this man, Otose-san," Cathertornes said, in a weird, unplaceable accent. "There's no way he's from Japan."

"Of course I am," Gin grunted, slamming his glass down onto the bar. He made a peace sign next to his eyes, saying, with all the enthusiasm of a high school dropout and all the charm of a dead fish, "Kawaii desu."

Otose stared at Gin for about five seconds as he remained in the pose, his face as serious as that of a man at Open Mic Night at an old folks home. And an old man was attempting to do a comedy routine. So probably pretty serious. Finally, Otose, blew out a mouthful of smoke, and once again replied, "Is that so?"

Around this time, one of the regular patrons at the bar passed out, dead drunk, and his glass shattered on the ground. To Gin Quixote, this sounded like the ringing of a gong to signal the end of training. Or maybe bedtime. Honestly, Gin only knew as much about martial arts dojos as he could learn from manga, which was to say absolutely nothing. Regardless, this thoroughly convinced Gin that he was in a legitimate dojo, where he could truly become a shounen protagonist by ignoring everything that he was told to do. Satisfied with this, and completely ignoring the efforts of the three ladies of the inn to clean up their drunk patron's mess, Gin yelled back over his shoulder, "Hey, _sensei_ , I wanna become an apprentice here."

Otose didn't look up from trying to prevent Cathertornes from throttling the patron in her attempts to wake him when she said, "You can do whatever you want as long as you pay for it."

"Ah, sure, sure, whatever," Gin replied, as his pinky once again began digging in his nose. "When some bastard destroys this dojo looking for me, I'll do a training montage and get revenge on him for you."

"Otose-san, are we being threatened?" asked Tama, looking up from the beer and vomit mixture that she was mopping. "Should I initiate defense protocols?"

"We should throw vermin like him out right away, Otose-san. He is crazy for sure," Cathertornes said, pausing her clumsy attempts to resuscitate the patron to nod as if agreeing with her own statement.

"I~diot," Gin drolled back. "Everyone knows that the hero's hometown or family or master gets destroyed so that the hero has a dark past." Leaning forward, he then whispered, in a conspiratorial tone, "Of course, we only think that they're dead until they show up alive 500 chapters later with an evil makeover so that the hero has to make a choice between their loyalty to their master and their new friends won through boyish exploits, breathtaking fights, moralistic slogans, and-"

"Oi," interrupted Otose, for the first time legitimately annoyed. "If you shut up, I'll give you a room for tonight free of charge."

Gin gave a half salute in thanks, saying, "I promise I won't disappoint you with my youthful hijinks and charm."

Otose took another drag on her cigarette, and as smoke drifted out of her slightly-parted lips, watched as Gin walked around the bar himself to refill his glass with "elixir" (or was it "sake?") while Cathertornes and Tama hoisted the passed-out patron into the air and carried him out the door.

"I can't wait, I'm sure."

* * *

Notes for those who haven't read Don Quixote or don't understand the characters:

Gin Quixote de la Tama - Don Quixote de la Mancha + Sakata Gintoki

Sadinante - Rocinante (Don Quixote's horse) + Sadaharu

Analdonza Ketsuno - Aldonza Lorenzo (Dulcinea's real name) + Ketsuno Ana

Otose & Tama - Innkeeper and Innkeeper's daughter (both unnamed, as far as I know)

(I combined all the innkeepers in the novel into one super-innkeeper)

Cathertornes - Maritornes (Assistant of the innkeeper) + Catherine

In case you're wondering what the middle bit is based on, it's a parody of the first chapter of Dragonball (the original, not Z)


	3. Only Terrorists Hate Oprah

Chapter III

In which Gin Quixote turns out not to be the only stupid character in the story

So, Gin Quixote was given a room for the night. However, the idea that he had not yet established his character properly was still weighing heavily on his mind. Even as he continued drinking at an amazing rate, and despite the fact that he was soon about two drinks from going on a sexual harassment rampage that would leave him thinking he had gotten with five girls and one MADAO in the morning, Gin never lost sight of his goal, or at least not for more than an hour or two. And so, inebriated beyond belief (which was about his normal level of intoxication), Gin Quixote made his move.

"Oi, shensei," Gin slurred, punctuating every few words with a slosh of his drink, "you 'aven't been doin' yur part. I 'aven't got one order ta disobey. What the hell kinda dojo iz'is, huh?"

As previously mentioned, Otose was entirely used to the drunkest, loudest, and stupidest patrons in all of Spain, and so was not the least bit flustered by her patron's behavior. She would almost have been amused, if his uncontrolled movements weren't soaking her (admittedly filthy) bar with low-quality beer. However, because she liked to uphold at least an illusion of comfortable cleanliness, she decided it would be best to remove the rowdy otaku before he further decorated the establishment with his drinks, and, later, puke.

"If you want an order so badly," she replied, "then how about you clean up the mess you've made."

"Heroes dun clean bars, shensei," Gin Quixote replied, in what might have resembled a condescending tone from a more sober man.

"So now you realize it's a bar." Otose sighed and began to search for something that would appeal to her client's otaku sensibilites. Luckily for her, her barmaid Tama was much more well-versed in Japanese culture (or at least in anime tropes). She slammed the end of her broom onto the ground and yelled, in a voice that managed to be both monotone and commanding, "Students don't get drinks until they scrub the _dojo_ floors spotless!"

Gin immediately straightened up and shouted, "Yes, sensei!" He flew to the floor and, bent at the waist with his hands pushed against the ground, began running back and forth, in a drunken imitation of the students in a Buddhist _dojo_ , which was only made weirder by the fact that he had neglected to pick up a rag first. On his first pass, he managed to knock over a chair, two barstools, and, at the end of the room, himself, but after righting himself he managed to run back and forth across the room with miraculously few collisions. Tama, ascertaining that the problem had been resolved, immediately returned to her waitress duties. Otose, who was slightly less confident in her "student"'s ability to not ruin anything he touched, stared at the adventurer for a few minutes to ascertain that he wasn't actively destroying any more of her property. Once she decided that his current activity was distracting and annoying but otherwise harmless, she risked moving on to her other, somewhat more reputable patrons. She had taken a couple orders and served one drink to a particularly intoxicated Muleteer when she realized that the sounds of running feet, hands being dragged across the floor, and the occasional clatter of an overturned stool being once again bumped had stopped. When she turned to look at Gin, all she found was a note with "Rules are for suckers! BA-KA!" scrawled on it. Underneath was a crude drawing of Otose with bug-eyes, a giant mouth, and devil horns.

She used it to put out her cigarette.

* * *

Gin laid on the roof with his hands behind his head, looking at the stars as innocence (and a very strong scent of alcohol) radiated from his face. "Nohbuddy undershtands me…" he drawled mournfully. In his mind, he was the picture of teenage angst. To a passerby, he would've looked more like an (very persuasive) advertisement for Alcoholics Anonymous.

His childhood friend, Zura, was luckily understanding. He nodded gently from his position sprawled out to Gin's right. "Don't worry, Gin Quixote," he said, his voice full of the confidence of youth. "One day, we'll change the world, just you and I." He turned to look into his friend's eyes and extended his hand, palm up, to Gin. "Promise me that one day, together, we'll create a better world and overthrow the fascist Bakufu government that has soiled this country and its citizens." Gin and Zura stared meaningfully into one another's eyes, reveling in their mutual rebellious idealism and optimism.

"...WHAT THE HELL, ZURA?!" Gin screamed, immediately sobered by the sudden need for a straight man. "YOU ALREADY GOT A CHARACTER IN CHAPTER 1! What about Ezurako, huh? Who's gonna be my maid now, eh? What do you think this fan fiction is, bastard?!"

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura-"

"You were introduced as Zura, idiot-"

"-and I refuse to submit to the authority of any unjust rule, be it from the government, the author of this fan fiction, or Opr*h W*nfrey."

"YOU'RE MISPLACING YOUR PATRIOTISM! And what the hell does that last part mean, anyway? What do you have against Opr*h?"

"Her recommendations are based on what is easily consumable rather than on actual quality, she has little to actual content to contribute to society, and her fans follow her whims like sheep to their shepherd, forming a de facto dictatorship that a committed revolutionary such as myself cannot abide by the existence of. Plus," he continued, his face darkening as he averted his eyes away from Gin's, "I hear she sometimes doesn't reply to mail from her fans even if they're really cool and nice and sent a lot of letters."

"SO AFTER ALL THAT IT'S JUST BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T REPLY TO YOUR FAN MAIL?"

"Hey, some of us are trying to get on the good side of the lovely Tama right now!" a Shinsengumi officer yelled, poking his head out of the bar to look up at the rowdy duo. However, upon spotting Zura, the officer blanched and began frantically grasping at his walkie-talkie. "We have a Katsura sighting-"

"Oi, why does the author call him something different?"

"-at Otose's snack bar in the middle of La Tama. Send re-enforcements immediately!"

In an unreasonably short amount of time, a Shinsengumi car-

"What's a car doing in the middle of the 16th century?"

-a Shinsengumi horse pulled up, its siren blaring-

"What kind of horse has a siren?!"

-as it screeched to a halt outside the bar. An officer with sandy brown hair, red eyes, and a bazooka got off of the horse, joining the first officer who had already armed himself with a badminton racket.

"NEITHER OF THOSE WEAPONS HAVE BEEN INVENTED YET! WHY EVEN SET IT IN THE PAST AT THIS POINT?" shrieked Gin Quixote as he stood, before paling and squatting down. He covered his mouth with one hand and gripped his stomach with the other. "Ah, it's no good. I'm still too drunk to do _tsukkomis_."

Ignoring the drunken perm-head's rantings, the sandy-haired officer planted himself firmly in front of the building and leveled the bazooka to aim at the long haired terrorist's head. "KAAATSUUURAAA!" he bellowed as his finger moved to the trigger. "I've got you today!"

"You Shinsengumi dogs will never capture me!" Katsura yelled down in reply.

"Just come quietly, Katsura," the officer said calmly, "or I'll blow you and that white haired guy away right here and now." From the look on his face, however, he was really hoping that Zura would not comply.

"Oi, Zura-"

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura."

"-maybe you should just give up already. I'm supposed to get into boyish hijinks, not federal prison," Gin Quixote said nervously. " And do you know how lame it would be to die in the first arc? Everyone on the internet would make fun of me, yeah? And the _mangaka_ who writes my story won't be able to support his family! Think of the children!" he pleaded.

With a smug chuckle, Zura looked at his desperate companion and replied, "Don't worry, Gin. I have an ace up my sleeve. There is something they don't realize yet."

Gin's face brightened. "Eh? There is? What is it?"

A confident smile spread across Zura's face as he proudly proclaimed, "They can't blow us up...if I blow us up first!"

Before anyone had the time to react, Zura had already thrown a smoke bomb at his feet and vanished, leaving only a couple of ticking metallic balls rolling through the smoke lwhere he had stood. The remaining spectators stared blankly at the balls until, without much warning, they began beeping rapidly. Gin Quixote was already pretty fed up with this bullshit.

All the bombs blew up at once, sending the officers flying backwards and Gin crashing through Otose's roof, a fall that would surely have killed him had he not been the main character with a heavy coat of plot armor. For a moment, silence reigned. The officers stared into the destroyed bar. Otose stared at the fallen man. Gin stared at the speechless Otose. The Muleteer glanced at the hole in the ceiling before returning to his drink. Tama began demurely (albeit ineffectually) sweeping the boards at the edge of the pile of debris. Finally, as the last of the smoke cleared and the last of the dust settled, a lazy drawl broke the silence.

"Oi, sensei, could I get another drink?"

That was it. Otose exploded. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DESTROYING MY ROOF, BASTARD?!"

"Hey, hey, I didn't destroy your roof," Gin Quixote said in a conciliatory tone as he calmly pushed himself up and brushed the dust off of his kimono. "You see," he began, looking wistfully through the hole in the ceiling as he recalled the incident which had already been corrupted in his manga-crazed mind, "I was having an existential monologue on the roof when suddenly, The R*d Comet descended in his mobile power suit and said, 'I have come here to challenge the great-"

"If you think I'll let a drunk destroy my bar without even paying rent-"

"Hey, old hag, I'm an adventurer, not a drunk."

"-then you've got another thing coming. And what the hell happened to calling me ' _sensei_ ,' huh? You actually realize this isn't a _dojo_ , don't you, bastard?!"

While the mop-head and enraged bar matron argued, the Shinsengumi officers dusted themselves off and took stock of the situation. After a moment, the sandy-haired officer began to approach, removing a pair of silver handcuffs from his belt as he walked. The duo didn't register his approach until they heard the distinctive click of the handcuffs locking around Gin Quixote's wrists. "Alright, you're under arrest," the officer drawled in a bored voice, his previous enthusiasm from the face-off with Zura gone in a puff of smoke. "We've got some questions for you back at the station for associating with a known terrorist."

Gin's calm demeanor vanished without a trace at the mention of arrest. "Wait, waitwaitwait, you've got it all wrong. Terrorist? What terrorist? I don't know any terrorist." Gin stopped chattering for a second to look at the face of the officer. It was difficult to tell whether he was even paying attention, but either way he remained unconvinced. His face suddenly lighting up in recognition, and his memory of the confrontation conveniently unscrambling itself, Gin began again, "Ah, you mean my friend Zur-Joe? A-ha-ha! He's such a character, such a fun guy, and in no way a terrorist."

"How is he not a terrorist?" screamed the black-haired Shinsengumi officer, who was still hovering at the bar's enterance. "He LITERALLY just blew up the roof!"

Gin began to laugh stiffly. "HAHAHA, what a kidder, huh? You know, boys these days, always pulling pranks." Then, a sudden gleam in his eye, Gin leaned in towards the sandy-haired officer and began to whisper conspiratorially. "But, you know, I always thought he was a little weird. I hear that during the cultural festival last year, Nozomi confessed to him, and he said that he 'only dates married women.' What does that mean, eh? But he rejected her just like that! And then, during the inter high basketball championship-"

"Why did it turn into high school gossip?!" yelled the black-haired Shinsengumi officer. He turned to his commander, saying, "Captain Okita, please, tell him to be quiet!"

"Oh, is that so?" replied Okita in monotone, ignoring his subordinate. Gin nodded emphatically. "Well, you can never trust long-haired guys. They act so innocent, then next thing you know they're smoking cigarettes on the roof."

"WHY ARE YOU GETTING INVOLVED TOO?!"

"Oi, Anpan-kun," said Gin, turning to the subordinate officer with an extremely serious expression. "If you keep yelling at us, we're not gonna let you sit next to us during lunch period."

"My name is Yamazaki…" the officer said, his voice quickly losing strength as he relived many painful memories of eating alone in the 16th century Spanish equivalent of high school, "...and...ok, I'll be quiet."

At this point, Otose had had more than enough time to calm down, and was now faced with a tough decision. Although she seemed surly on first appearance, truthfully Otose was a fairly soft-hearted woman, especially towards people like Gin with few to no redeeming qualities. Because of this, she was torn between ridding herself of the burdensome patron once and for all into the hands of the Shinsengumi officers or helping him, an act of charity whose reward would probably be nothing beyond the further destruction of her bar and possibly a migraine. Well, when you spell it out like that it seems like a pretty easy decision, but, again, Otose was a soft-hearted woman, and so she decided to act as her crazed patron's savior this time. "Officers," she said, immediately commanding attention from both the officers and her patron, "don't waste your time with that man. He's crazy." She punctuated this statement with a dismissive wave of her hand. "No matter what you charge him with, he'll just get off on an insanity plea."

Okita clicked his tongue. "That's too bad. I was looking forward to trying out some new 'interrogation techniques.'" With a nod from his commanding officer, Yamazaki came forward and unlocked the cuffs. Gin rubbed his wrists, his eyes nervously flitting to Okita's face. "So, uh, what do you mean by 'interrogation techniques?'" For a moment, a strange look passed across the officer's face, twisting his features to a dangerous cocktail of sadism and bloodlust, but just as quickly he regressed to his normal mask of unshakeable apathy. Without answering Gin's question, Okita politely nodded to Otose and turned on his heel to walk out the door, one of the few major features of the bar still standing. Yamazaki, seeing his superior's exit, quickly gave Otose a stiff bow and followed suit. The two officers then mounted their siren-enabled horse and, in just as comically short a time as it took them to arrive, they were gone.

Gin and Otose watched as the pair rode off into the distance and disappeared around a bend in the road, at which point Gin turned to Otose, his deadpan once again in place. Without a hint of irony, he said, "I think that guy was crazy."

Otose paused to re-light her cigarette, and, after releasing a plume of smoke from her mouth, replied, "Is that so?"

Her composure restored, Otose realized that there was only one way to save her bar at this point, and that was to get rid of Gin Quixote. Otose may have been soft-hearted, but she wasn't a saint, and certainly wasn't looking to support some useless bum for no pay. I mean, what kind of idiot would rent a room to a man with no motivation, skills, or obvious abilities, a man who could probably only earn enough money to survive by putting together some half-assed odds job service? Looking at the man, who was now attempting to deface the remains of her bar's roof using chalk ("It's a prank," he said seriously when he noticed her staring), she knew that it would take months of incessant nagging to get him to give up a dollar, and much more to get enough money out of him to repair her bar. Therefore, she decided to cut him a deal.

"Hey," she said, and Gin once again turned his attention to her. "If you leave right now, I won't charge you for the night, the beer, or the roof."

" _Sensei_ ," replied Gin, putting aside his graffiti for the moment, "are you an idiot? Have too many years gone to your head, is your brain rotting in their? Can't you at least wait until the end of the arc to go senile?"

"Oi, you can't just-"

"As I've said," Gin interrupted, "I can't leave until I've established my character as a friendly troublemaker."

Otose sighed, desperately trying to bite back her returning rage. Cathertornes, who had hidden in the back while the Shinsengumi officers were in the bar, finally emerged. "You've gotta get rid of that man right away, for sure," she said, her voice accusatory and irritable (though she was probably more irritated by her lack of lines than by the man himself). "He's trouble, I'll tell you. Anyone who brings the police to this bar is bad news, I say."

"I don't want to hear that from you," Otose retorted, glaring at her employee, who awfully concerned with obeying the law for an ex-con who had tried to pick three separate customers' pockets just earlier the same day.

Cathertornes was about to reply when, at long last, fortune smiled upon the bar matron as Tama finally looked up from her sweeping to, once again, save the day. "Gin Quixote-sama," Tama started, "you have already adequately proven your irresponsibility by destroying our ' _dojo_ ' and refusing to pay. In fact, to me, you appear to be what Cathertornes calls 'complete scum.'"

"You're not just saying that?" Gin said, looking at her hopefully.

"No," replied Tama, "you have certainly ruined what would have otherwise been a productive day with your selfishness."

"Yeah, a real dirtbag, for sure," Cathertornes chimed in, nodded emphatically. When Gin turned to Otose, she sighed. Reluctantly adopting the persona of a sensei, she said, "Student of mine, you have been so disobedient that I cannot help but cast you out." She took a drag from her cigarette, and for a moment stared at Gin Quixote in silence, as he continued to look at her expectantly. She exhaled, and, returning to her bar matron persona, finished with exasperation, "So get out of here already."

"Alright," he said, energized by this questionable endorsement. "I guess that's that." Gin Quixote felt very satisfied at having completed the task he set out to complete, and even more satisfied at having escaped the wretched fate of having to take responsibility for his own actions. At this point, the sun was already beginning to rise again, which rid him of the need for a room, and so Gin decided to take the bar matron's advice and make himself scarce. He quickly retrieved his forgotten armor (which may have been a family heirloom, but was still a piece of shit) and once again mounted Sadinante. He turned to the bar matron and her two employees and made a "heartfelt" promise to return to his home _dojo_ again, at least in some sort of "Threat on the Homefront" arc.

"Don't return unless you can pay," was the only response he got.

Hearing this, Gin Quixote decided to return to his home to get some money, less because he believed he should repay his debt to the bar matron cum dojo sensei and more because he didn't think he'd be able to get any more free beers and the thought of life without beer was almost as terrifying as the thought of life without strawberry milk. Which, again, you could only trick people into giving you for free so many times.

So, after a pathetically short journey, Gin turned Sadinante back towards home (which was quite a feat in itself, for, as has been noted, Sadinante was about as good at doing what he was told as his owner) and began his ride, his incipient headache foreshadowing the hangover he would be fighting for the entirety of the ride home.

The three bar ladies watched the man and dog (and some weird purple-haired woman, who was following some distance behind the pair) as they slowly made their way to the horizon. Just before the three turned to go back into the bar and do what they could to return it to its admittedly shoddy standard of cleanliness, Cathertornes snorted and spat in the direction of the slowly disappearing silhouettes.

"Good riddance," she said.

* * *

Notes for those who haven't read Don Quixote or don't understand the characters:

Gin Quixote de la Tama - Don Quixote de la Mancha + Sakata Gintoki

Sadinante - Rocinante (Don Quixote's horse) + Sadaharu

Otose & Tama - Innkeeper and Innkeeper's daughter (both unnamed, as far as I know)

(I combined all the innkeepers in the novel into one super-innkeeper)

Cathertornes - Maritornes (Assistant of the innkeeper) + Catherine

Muleteer - muleteer (someone who herds mules) turned into half-mule half-man Amanto

Okita, Yamazaki, and Zura - All not present in Don Quixote. The Shinsengumi isstanding in for the Holy Brotherhood, the religious police force from Don Quixote, but originally, Don Quixote has a run in with a group of muleteers at the first bar, not a bunch of weirdoes-I mean, a terrorist and the police.

The Red Comet is an antagonist from Gundam


End file.
